Written and Directed by Axel Braun

Very NSFW and Spoiler-ridden review after the break:

We start with a pre-credit origin story; not of Spider-Man, but of the “film’s” main villain, Electro, played by Dick Delaware… yeah… Anyway, it seems Electro was an everyday, normal, law-abiding electrician who, while working up on a telephone pole one day… gets struck by lightning?

That’s the origin – no dialog, no explanation, just a normal guy doing his job who immediately becomes a psychopathic murderer with electricity based powers. There is a quick pickup after the credit sequence where we see the meathead who’s playing Electro laughing maniacally into the mirror while bad after effects lightning bolts shoot out of his fingertips.

I knew then, that if this movie did not work his power into a sex scene then it would be a massive fail- needless to say, in that sense at least, the film did not fail. More on that later…

Cut to The Daily Bugle: Peter Parker and Robbie Robertson are sitting in J. Jonah Jameson’s office listening to him be his regular curmudgeonly self. They tantalizingly name-drop Juggernaut and the Fantastic Four during this scene, so hopefully the “super porn” subgenre rises exponentially in popularity so that in the future we can be treated to endless portrayals of our favorite superheroes sodomizing one another… (since originally writing this review I have, ahem.. “come”, to discover the super hero themed porn genre is rather large)

Next we meet up with Betty Brant in the Bullpen, attractive and, well… just attractive. So far everyone in this film delivers lines just like you’d expect porn stars to. Robbie slinks into the scene and leads her off with the line “Betty, can I talk to you about this sexual harassment story”! That always gets the girls hot! So then, off to fuck Robbie in a hallway! Now we’re officially into the porn part of the parody.

(Allow my digression momentarily, won’t you? You see, we’re in odd territory here, how do I go about reviewing “these” scenes? I’ll try to generalize as much as possible and really just bring up a few things that happen to stick out to me (heh) and make rather oblique final reference as to whether the scene was “hot” (in a porn way) or just lame (in a porn way). That’s pretty much all I can muster without feeling super creepy about discussing hard core porn on a comic book blog… )

As is the rule in damn near every porn I’ve ever seen in my life, the woman is required to give the male star a blowjob for the first quarter of the scene – and so our sweet little Betty Brandt goes downtown with Robbie. With gusto, I should add. Robbie seems to like this and soon enough bends her over to show his appreciation.

Now let me say it: I like this girl, Sarah Shevon – she’s attractive in a normal way and doesn’t overtly look like a porn star; she looks natural and is actually pretty damned cute. So I give her, and by proxy, the scene itself, a “thumbs” up. It works as a porn scene, so good enough for me. Without giving too much away let me just say, Robbie cums on her face. Oh yeah, SPOILERS! Sorry.

TONE SHIFT! Sepia tone to be exact, but the mood shifts too, oooohh, does it ever! We’re suddenly treated to a beautifully poignant scene which takes place at Norman Osborn’s funeral. Peter, Gwen Stacy, Flash Thompson and Harry Osborn step out of the church and into the cold air. They gaze obliquely into the brutally indifferent and gaping maw of mortality which stretches out, endlessly before them like a confused maze designed by a feverish child. While, obviously in deep introspection, Gwen offers her tender regards and emotional support to Harry, he soulfully replies “I need a glass of whiskey and a fucking shotgun.”… stay classy Spider-Man XXX, stay classy.

We follow Peter home and suddenly I’m struck with a terrible realization: Aunt May exists in this story. Just think about that.

They have a very sweet looking old lady playing her and – no, just no… why Axel Braun, why did you even make that thought pop into my head? Thankfully, the whole disgusting mental scenario stays just that, and they have the good sense not to film a gangbang scene between Aunt May and her creditors. All this disturbing mental imagery is quickly swept away by the arrival of Mary Jane – who was actually standing in the room, right next to Peter the whole time… but for some reason, he never noticed the hot redhead.

She informs Peter that he’s “just hit the jackpot” (I was convinced the line would be tweaked to “You’ve just hit the G-spot” and be delivered in a moment of post-coital bliss, but alas, it wasn’t to be) and thankfully the scene ends just as another horrible geriatric scenario is starting to formulate in my mind.

We now find ourselves thrust, mid-coitus, into a scene with Electro fucking a… I don’t know, a hooker? (Do porn stars portray hookers in porn films? It seems too meta to actually be true.)

Electro likes it rough (He seems to like rough looking women, too. Burn!), but of course, he is a bad guy you know. I should also make special mention that he is now wearing the film’s first “costume”: latex green and yellow with a big cut out for his cock to dangle through.

There’s ominous music playing in the background of this whole scene and it looks as though they just walked into someone’s bedroom unannounced – there are piles of clothes and random shit lying around everywhere, and I’m really starting to wonder who would be jerking off to this. But hey, who am I to judge? Anyway, this really unsexy sex scene drags on forever and we finally get to the money shot; wherein we learn that Electro’s ejaculate is dangerously electrified. He kills the girl by frying her with his super-evil sperm and it’s the perfect, creepy ending to this creepy overall scene.

Yep, they just killed some chick as the man came on her. Stay classy, Spider-Man XXX, stay classy. This scene was lame in a pornographic sense and was not sexy at all, so a big fail on this one.

–

Suddenly a fat, white, bald man is standing behind Electro – yes, Kingpin has arrived played by – holy shit, played by Peter O’Tool !– now that is a funny/subtle porn name. Bravo, bald, fat white man.

Kingpin introduces himself and tells Electro that they “have business to discuss” and the scene abruptly ends. Ooooo- the plot thickens! I just wonder what this business could possibly be!

Cut to: Mary Jane and Peter walking through a dark alley. Peter has a small epileptic fit which turns the screen red (his Spidey sense is tingling!) and he finds an excuse to run off. Because that’s what Spider-Man does when his spider-sense tingles; he runs off, leaving defenseless women unaccompanied in dark alleys. Maybe if you didn’t run off in the first place you wouldn’t have to come back and save her, asshole!

Immediately after being left alone in the dark alley, a trio of rapists approach Mary Jane and one starts flashing a knife around her erect nipples (well thank goodness they carried over that small detail from the real scene this is re-creating!).

Suddenly – BOOM – here it is, our first glimpse of Spider-Man, 46 minutes into the film – and what an entrance he makes!

He just rubs his chin while standing behind the goon who is currently running a knife over his love interest’s breasts. No hurry, Spidey, no immediate danger!

First, Spider-Man “quickly” dispatches the goons with the lamest fighting moves ever performed by someone in a Spider-Man costume since the godawful 70’s television productions.

Then, Mary Jane and Peter recreate the famous upside down kiss. This time with a LOT of tongue action.

Spidey disappears out of sight for a few second then drops back into the frame. Like this:

I think you get the idea where this leads… Mary Jane finishes Spidey off, and while still wiping him away from her lips,

Peter returns and walks away happily with the girl who, ostensibly, just fucked good old Peter Parker over by blowing some random superhero in an alley while he was away. But why try to apply logic? Moving right along…

Another fascinating scene of exposition between Kingpin and Electro informs us that Electro will be stealing something for Kingpin soon. Good to know. I’m glad to see they’re still pretending like this thing has a plot; it’s cute. Moving right along, then…

We’re now treated to a ridiculously terrible looking clip of Spider-Man swinging through the streets. Seriously, this is hilariously bad. It’s so short, and Spidey is swinging by so fast that I couldn’t get a good screencap of it, but trust me… it is astounding.

The next proper porn scene we’re treated to starts off with Flash Thompson, Gwen Stacey, Peter and Mary Jane walking into a dark house while discussing the film The Black Swan. Seriously, I just wrote that sentence.

It seems that rolling black outs are plaguing the city, but luckily Flash has all his Karma Sutra candles to light up the kitchen. I’m not making that up by the way, he actually says that. Pete, who is onto Electro’s “plot” somehow, sneaks away and the remaining three start up their Karma Sutra candle-lit ménage a trios. Or a “cuddle puddle” as Flash calls it. Or as Mary Jane likes to call it, being a lying, cheating hussy as soon as good old Peter Parker turns his back for two seconds! This porno does not celebrate the sanctity of relationships! I’m indignant… who would’ve thought…

I’ll tell it to you straight – This is the most boring three-way sex scene I’ve ever seen. Perhaps it’s the dim, candle-lit digital photography (Eat your heart out Barry Lyndon!) or the annoying actors, but I just found myself waiting for this excruciatingly drawn out sexy party to end. Needless to say, I didn’t find this compellingly, exciting, by porn standards, so this is another sex scene that gets the thumbs down from me. It’s hard to make two beautiful women having sex boring, but damn it if Axel Braun didn’t manage to make it seem effortless.

We have now arrived at the big action set-piece of the film, the big showdown between Electro and Spider-Man! How amazing is this scene? On a scale of crappy fan made Youtube video and an early Jackie Chan film… I think it would probably land somewhere before the grading scale even started; it’s akin to people sitting around talking about making a piss-poor fan video for Youtube – that level of quality.

It’s not only horribly acted and staged, but completely nonsensical too! Electro mentions another fight that took place, but where and when remain a mystery – but Ohhhh! Backstory! Basically, Spider-Man webs Electro’s feet and hands together and… Electro shocks himself to death? Yes. The guy whose entire body is filled with electricity electrocutes himself somehow.

Not only does that not make sense in the whole ‘why are his own powers deadly to him’ sort of way– but exactly why did he electrocute himself? I mean, all Spider-Man did was tie his hands and feet up, why did he decide to shock himself to death? Hari Kari? Fuck it, who cares, right? Because just when you think it’s over – Fuck Pow! We’re at the best part of the whole film!

Enter: Black Widow. Black Widow introduces herself to Spider-Man and recruits him to help out on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission which is shrouded in mystery (Cross your fingers for this to get wrapped up in the sequel!). How will she ever convince Spider-Man to help them out? That’s right – hardcore sex.

I wasn’t joking when I said this was the best part of the film. First, I have a thing for Black Widow (natch). Second, her costume is a pretty rad, latex s&m representation of the Black Widow comics outfit – so it’s just inherently hot. Third, did I mention I have a thing for Black Widow?!?!?!

Brooklyn Lee, who plays Black Widow, is, to say the least, no ScarJo, she’s not too easy on the eyes (although I cannot complain about her body; poor girl’s just a butter face) and she is quite obviously the worst “actor” of the film – all her lines are delivered so hilariously that you have to wonder if she is doing it on purpose. Besides that though, the woman is a real trooper… who, as we find out, loves to take it in the pooper (sorry).

Anyway, the sex scene is pretty hot and moving along nicely thanks to the addition of Black Widow – when suddenly, wow, that was quick; Spidey already shot his web. But wait- “They call me Amazing for so many reasons” – right back into the breach for a second go-round, just like a good soldier.

Spectacular, Spider-Man, spectacular.

And fade to black…

But wait! There’s more. We get a scene with Kingpin laughing dramatically while prying open a wooden box. Inside? Captain America XXX’s shield!

Oh hells yeah, the tag line could be “The Fist Avenger”, imagine the possibilities…

Now we fade to black…

But wait! There’s more, more: We get another bonus scene!

Peter is relaxing and reading the paper at home. The doorbell rings and a man inquires with Aunt May about a room to rent… just who is this man? Otto Octavius. Woo-hoo, this sequel is going to be so much more bad ass than Spider-Man 3… I cannot wait.

And with that, we’ve finally reached the end of Spider-Man XXX. It was a long, winding road of ups and downs, ins and outs, spit, and other fluids. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Honestly though? Overall, this film pretty much sucks. In my opinion, it fails as a porno because it really only has two sex scenes which are decent. As a parody, it fails because it is utterly un-funny and dumb, and finally, as a superhero film… hahahaha, sorry. I can’t even bring myself to finish that thought.

Bottom line:

This film is awful. Yet there is a caveat here which may be seen as a saving grace: It is hilarious in its awfulness. So there’s that. I mean, it is a porno though, so take my critiques for what they are.

It’s something that you can put on and laugh about in all the wrong ways. It’s lamely written, horribly acted, filled with Superhero references and sometimes, kind of sexy – so it’s an odd, discombobulating amalgam of feelings one is struck with while watching… which I cannot really recommend – yet can’t completely condemn either.

It’s worth it to see just for giggles, I guess… and if you have a super hero fetish, this may well be your pick for best Porn of the year! Check it out if you must, just don’t expect to be blown away (heh).

Final Score: 2 semi-erect penises out of 5

For more Braun super hero porn, see my Review of The Avengers XXX!