CA Reviews: Avengers XXX A Porn Parody

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Wow.

I came into (heh) “Avengers XXX A Porn Parody” expecting to find the ridiculous level of storytelling shoe-horned between scenes of hardcore porn that I had last witnessed in Axel Braun’s masterful, Spider-Man XXX, and what I got was… really just the hardcore porn part. As bad as the “story” was in Spider-Man XXX, at least it still kind of had a three act structure; it kind of had a plot. Yet in a bold step towards deconstructionism (?), Avengers XXX eschews the notion of plot almost entirely. The film starts out acting as if there is going to be a plot, yet what we’re ultimately left with is a confused mess of incoherent elements contradicting one another and only providing a half-assed two act structure. The film slowly peters out after the opening scenes and it seems as if the writer/director forgot he was supposed to be delivering some geeky adult fun. People randomly namedrop other Marvel characters and deliver their semi-geeky lines like pron robots in a hasty attempt to get to the sex. There’s barely any dialog referencing the comics and they don’t even provide the actors with any ridiculous puns that would be chuckle inducing to comic nerds.

Sure, it is a porno, so why in the hell am I critiquing the story so much? Well, I figure if you’re going to go this far – that is, if you’re going to get some pretty cool costumes and fill your movie with “obscure” heroes that only comic fans will recognize, then you should at least attempt to put them in a fun, tongue in cheek world where you can deliver on the promise of a ‘parody’. The only laughs came from seeing how awfully the actors delivered their lines, and from thinking about how Axel Braun probably takes himself way too seriously and considers himself as some sort of auteur… the Christopher Nolan of the porn world

Anyway – let’s get to it huh? I know you just want a blow by blow account of the action relayed to you in X-rated screen caps, so let’s do it!

NSFW madness after the jump!

Our opening shot already presents us with a disorientating inconsistency (I’ll explain in a minute); Bruce Banner wakes up in the desert, shaking off his Hulk hangover.

A few news clips bring us up to date: The Hulk fought the Abomination in the middle of Las Vegas, shit got smashed, etc.

Think about this for a minute though: these newscasters, who literally just “read the news”, and are in no way engaging in pornographic activities, are still in a porno. Did they have to audition? Think of the level of acting ability you must have to appear in a porno without actually fucking. Yep. These people have this on their resumes…

She is literally just reading exactly what the screen crawl at the bottom says.

Forget about all that though, because now we get to meet our Avengers

Avengers, hoe…

Hawkeye, Ms. Marvel, Scarlet Witch and Spider-Woman (but we never really get to see her costume, wtf Axel Braun?). Here’s an interesting point to note: nothing happens here even though people are talking; there is no discernible plot. Just as Nick Fury starts to hint at a story and says “Problem #1: The Hulk…” Iron Man shows up and acts smarmy – wait, what about something something Hulk… it’s not really clear. So, he fought Abomination in Las Vegas and now… what exactly? Who knows, because no one ever actually says anything about it, they just mention it happened. Before things gets any clearer though, the Avengers have disassembled and we get to watch Hawkeye fuck Black Widow.

Sex Scene #1

Black Widow Vs. Hawkeye

Just squint and imagine Scarjo…

Brooklyn Lee reprises her role from Spider-Man XXX as Black Widow and it seems like she has taken acting lessons. In Spider-Man, a film full of atrocious acting, she was clearly the worst of the worst – here though, she’s passable – by porn standards, that is (which means she’s still horrible).

I love the segue lines in porn that are used to initiate the sex; this is the brilliant exchange we’re treated to here:

HAWKEYE: Did you come to say goodbye?

BLACK WIDOW: No, I came to say hello.

With that bit of poetry still floating in the air between them, Black Widow starts noisily slurping Hawkeye’s shaft, making him quiver. This goes on for a long time. Why do all porn films do this? Why?!?!?!? I swear I’ve had sex before that didn’t start off with a marathon fellatio session… where is the neo-realist porn? There’s your next parody project right there, Axel Braun: Bicycle Thieves XXX – A Porn Parody!

Anyway – they fuck – and it takes for fucking ever. I know, I know: this is a porn film you idiot! – yet for some reason I still think it’s boring and drawn out. I mean, sure, it can illicit a few straight arrows, but over all, the comic nerd in me is just waiting for it to end so I can see more lame superhero scenes. How pathetic is that?

Random arrow-themed pun

Long story short, Hawkeye shoots a bulls eye right into black widow’s web and jeebus was it a tedious affair. The whole thing is nearly twenty minutes long – I can’t think of the last time I watched a porn for more than ten! Oh wait, yes I can; it was Spider-Man XXX… what the fuck am I doing with my life?

We cut to shitty CG Iron Man flying through the desert and coming upon Hulk… who is just sitting there, totally chilling out, in deep introspection, and perfectly at peace for all intents and purposes.

Rodin, meet Braun – you’ve been one-upped

So what does Stark do? He shoots him. Asshole. But wait – here’s that inconsistency I spoke of from the opening scene: We opened on a naked Bruce Banner, waking up in the desert, but now he’s the Hulk again… why exactly? He’s not enraged, he’s not angry; dude is literally sitting down and doing nothing but minding his own and chillaxing on a rock. So what the fuck is he all Hulked up for? I mean, I’m no Hulk expert, but I’m pretty sure Bruce Banner is only the Hulk when he’s pissed off.

Either way, nothing of substance is said and Hulk awkwardly runs towards the camera. We now get to see Iron Man crashing into the ground while accompanied by a bunch of “breaking glass” sound effects – what exactly is made of glass on his suit besides the lenses? Well, perhaps the sand was incredibly hot and had turned to glass?

Make him squeal like a piggy!

A fat hillbilly pulls up in a truck, looks at the downed Stark and is asked to call S.H.I.E.L.D. – yeah, Tony, I’m sure this fat hick knows how to get a hold of the super secret spy agency… why not give them a call yourself with that fancy suit of yours?

Anyway, we find ourselves back at the Avengers’ “shitty old building down by the wharf” (according to Hawkeye) and Nick Fury decides to fuck a random girl with down’s syndrome.

I love lamp (and dick)

Sex Scene #2

Nick Fury Vs. Mongoloid S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent

You may want to get another eye patch, Nick.

Damn, Nicky F… you nasty. Suddenly, more noisy cock slurping commences and Fury tells the retarded girl not to bite his dick, then they go at it for what seems like millennia. I went and made coffee while this was playing, came back and it was still going. Fuck. This is starting to make me not like porn.

We finish with Fury finishing all over Corky’s face and I wonder if this is also some unspoken rule of modern porn (along with starting off with fellatio):

Are all porn actresses now required to take an open mouthed facial for the money shot?

I want these mother fucking snakes off my mother fucking chin

Moving right along, we now find ourselves in a sapphic setup of scandalous sensibilities:

Sex Scene #3

Ms. Marvel Vs. The Scarlet Witch

What’s the probability for frottage today?

Axel Braun has successfully done what editors and writers have tried to do for so long in comics; create a believable same-sex couple! Everything I’ve said about this film was wrong; behind the seemingly slipshod production and moronic, pornographic mentality, lays a true artist. Axel Braun has, with great care and delicate artistry, given us a courageous and deeply textured meditation on the preconceived sexuality biases which exist in, and in fact permeate, the medium.

I’m just kidding; this scene sucks just as much as the others. But wait, there’s a twist! Instead of a woman giving a man head for the first ten minutes of the scene, it’s a girl giving another girl head!

Mind = blown, right? Whatever, I’m not going to complain about two foxy ladies going at it in HD. I will give this scene points for being, so far, the best ‘comic booky’ segue scene yet; they actually explain Scarlet Witch’s power as altering probabilities… so, there’s that.

And this too, I guess:

Scarlet Witch in the middle of a Marvelous snack

Suddenly, another wild sex scene appears!

Sex Scene #4

Thor Vs. She-Hulk

Neanderthal Thor! Neanderthor?

Thor is being all emo and She-Hulk decides to hate fuck him. This is… interesting; seeing a woman painted green all over, except for that bit that’s always pink, is kind of strange.

Two in the pink to please the green

Otherwise this is a really boring sex scene, even judged against the already dismal standards this film has set for us up to this point. They kind of quietly groan and we listen to the bed squeak until Thor unleashes the thunder and puts the hammer down on She-Hulks’ chin.

Yaaaawn… Eww, wait, no, don’t – Thor might cum in your mouth

Now we get to meet a surprise guest – Spider-Man (XXX)!

Forced perspective man

This is a great scene because the director decided to try and edit Tony Stark into the scene even though he was obviously not in the same room with everyone else.

It is also great because Thor suddenly storms in while yelling “Hold”… it’s awkward.

Then Nick Fury welcomes him to the team – wait – did I miss something here, like the actual parts where they EVER MENTION A FUCKING THING ABOUT FORMING A TEAM?

Why did Thor randomly show up and how come no one has said anything that is even remotely related to establishing a plot within the past hour? Fuck it.

Sex Scene #5

Spider-Man Vs. Ms. Marvel

Being an Avenger is boring as shit… let’s fuck!

There’s no real segue for this scene, Ms. Marvel just kind of starts sucking Spider-Man’s cock and I really feel like the director has forgotten he was supposed to be making a ‘parody’ (of course, obviously called such for legal reasons, but still!)…

In a tender moment of post-coital bliss Spider-Man laments that he will not be going after the Hulk – so wait, is that it? That’s the whole story? The Hulk is out there, “someone” needs to go after him?

That’s. It.

?

Man, I’m bushed, let’s just tell a story some other time

That’s like someone telling you the first sentence of a story over and over again – it’s not a story, it’s a vague idea for a story.

But hold on – a twist! Suddenly we learn that S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending Spider-Man and some others, to the Arctic Circle. What’s in the Arctic Circle you (and Spider-Man) ask? Well, besides a knowing smirk from Nick Fury we’re treated to a scene showing a half-frozen Cap as our answer.

The fist avenger?

Cut to credits.

Fuck this movie. Really, I have no idea who it was made for. There isn’t enough geeky comic fan service or comic references to please the comics fans and porn aficionados will not find enough good porn here to keep them excited.

Every sex scene was the same plain vanilla by-the-books crap that reminds me how grateful I am that the internet was invented. Believe it or not, when I was kid all the porn that you could find on worn out VHS was shit like this. Crap tons of boring sex and a “story”. The internet let’s us cut to the quick and get porn tailored to our tastes, instantly, without all the filler. I mean, I’m no expert, and I have watched a lot of fucking crazy porn, so perhaps I’m too desensitized and that’s the reason I find this stuff quaint and boring… perhaps normal folks will find the porn in here very worth their time. I’m just not convinced that there is enough good content here for either type of viewer.

Perhaps I’m the demographic Axel Braun is going after; people dumb enough to watch it out of curiosity, just to see what it’s like so they can make fun of it…

Whatever the case, I’m sure this will make Axel Braun a metric fuck-ton of cash… so good for him I guess? Hire me as a writer next time, Axel…  I’ll do it for half of whatever you paid the guy on this one and I’ll at least write it so something happens. Hell, I’ll even make it funny – add some cheesy puns – SOMETHING.

The real kicker is that is was written by two people! Two guys together couldn’t write anything more than “The Hulk is in the desert. People mention this.”

Hey, it’s not all bad though; the costumes are pretty cool and… and… the cum looks very white? I don’t know… I’m reaching here, because really, the only thing that is even remotely good about this film is the costumes. To be honest though, you could get all of that just by looking at the box art.

Final Score:

One Semi-erect Penis out of Five

Axel Braun’s response to this review

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7 responses »

  1. Pingback: Bargain Spoof Xxx

  2. Pingback: New Release Tuesday (10-02-12) « Comics Astonish

  3. Pingback: CA Reviews: Spider-Man XXX A Porn Parody « Comics Astonish

  4. Your review WAS DEAD ON!!!! The XXX-Rated Avengers spoof/parody SUCKED!!!!

    Here is MY review:

    Let me start by answering the question: “Am I a comic nerd?” “YES!”. I would have to respond—and taking it even further….”I’M A HORNY PERVERTED COMIC NERD!!” The one who DREAMED of seeing sexy female characters from various super hero comics, cartoons and sci-fi and fantasy genres getting naked and doing the nasty every since I was 14!!!

    Now as an adult…I’m SO HAPPY to see ‘porn spoofs’ of: ‘Batman’, ‘Spiderman’, ‘Superman’, ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Star Trek’, and etc.! I’ve collected various porn spoofs from the comic and fantasy genre…as well as spoofs of popular sitcoms from the 70’s and 80’s. They’ve ranged to pretty good, to average…to really, really bad!

    So…after seeing the big budget Hollywood Avengers movie and loving it…when I heard about The Avengers being given the porn spoof treatment by the porn spoof master Axel Braun…I was excited to see how this would turn out. I had previously purchased Braun’s ‘Star Wars’ which surprised me with how good it was for a porno with the great production values…costumes and sets, silly and witty script, decent acting…and pretty decent special effects. (And, of course, the sex wasn’t half bad either!) This had me betting that the Avengers would be as good, if not better!

    Alas…I was WRONG! The Avengers was a BIG DISAPPOINTMENT!! After shelling out $40 bucks for a 2 disc set…I expected alot better than this. While watching this…I got the feeling that this whole thing was just ‘thrown together’ as quickly and as cheaply as possible just so it could coincide with the release of the real Avengers movie which has, as of this writing, grossed a little over a billion. It’s as if the producers and filmmakers knew that the real movie would be a big hit…and that a porn spoof would automatically make money too. So….they didn’t even bother trying with this one. It’s like they knew horny, perverted comic nerds would snatch this one up, just because of character recognition, and name brand alone. I’d have to say that almost 95% of any appeal with this Avengers comes from the costumes alone. Seeing hot actresses in tight spandex super hero tights screwing via “pussy and titty flaps” that open on their uniforms…initially was really hot…(even though it did get old quick!)

    But first…the pluses: The casting and acting was average to good. All the women are hot and look good in their costumes. Brendan Miller really gets into it as Thor spouting that ‘Shakesperean like dialogue’ with gusto. And Dale DaBone is a passable copy of Robert Downey Jr.’s wisecracking Iron Man. The costumes are actually very well done, especially Iron Man’s…and as previously mentioned…the open ‘breast flaps’ and ‘crotch flaps’ on the women’s costumes is an ingenious way to allow the actresses to be naked enough to fuck, while still allowing them to maintain the ‘skin tight sexy super hero costume visual’ of their characters. Brooklyn Lee is especially hot as Black Widow in her tight black catsuit gobbling the dick of Eric Masterson as Hawkeye. Lexington Steele as Nick Fury briefly appears to lose his erection…but still has a nice scene with his sexy blond Shield assistant.

    The story/script is okay…but it, (of course), in no way follows the plotline of the original movie. This story is a little convoluted…but it primarily focuses on the Avengers needing to confront and contain the Hulk??? There is the obligatory lesbian scene with the Scarlet Witch and Spiderwoman. And Spiderman, (not an original Avenger???). actually shows up and has the last sex scene with Ms Marvel. The only way to know who is who in this whole thing, is by what costumes the actors are wearing. There are also a few actors in ‘non-sexual roles’, like the Hulk…so, be prepared for this.

    The negatives: The special effects are minimal and kinda a let down (especially compared to the ‘Star Wars’ porn parodies effects).. The only thing I remember are CG effects with Scarlet Witch using her mind powers, and Iron Man’s flying effects. And I guess in another move to keep the budget down…90% of this is shot at ‘Shield HQ’ which is just the interior of a badly decorated warehouse. (In order to try and explain the warehouse setting in the context of the story…Hawkeye jokes early on: “The Fantastic Four get the Baxter Building and the Avengers only get this run-down warehouse??!”) There are many charcters in this…that aren’t in the real movie…and this is fine. (The real Avengers movie had only one main female character…the sexy Black Widow…but this is a porno…so, you’ve got to have a bunch of female characters for the sex scenes, right?) But Captain America is NO WHERE to be found in this (the 1st Avenger???).

    SPOILER ALERT: The movie ends with them hinting they found Capt. frozen in a block of ice—a REALLY ANNOYING “semi-cliffhanger”, setting everything up for a sequel.

    Finally…the main reason I bought this damn dvd was to see Chynna as the She-Hulk. I thought, this is PERFECT CASTING…and I’d love to see this former wrestler and C-List celebrity turned porno chick covered in green body paint–fucking and sucking. This has got to be worth the price of the dvd alone, right? WRONG! Chynna’s sex scene with Thor was the biggest disappointment in the whole movie! I realise that Chynna isn’t everyone’s ‘ideal porno chick’…and she’s an ‘acquired taste’. I think I’ve heard every cruel joke about her from ‘looking like a man’…to being ‘a chick-with-a-dick’ (do to her oversized clit!) I personally like her and think she has an appeal…and I know even if most guys don’t find her attractive they’d still want to see her having sex as She-Hulk just as a curiosity. I’ve found that most guys fantasize about sex with her….but it’s like that joke about riding a moped or a seagway…they’re FUN TO RIDE…but you don’t want anyone SEEING you ride it!

    Chynna’s sex scene with Thor was boring and uninspired. But the thing that bothered me the most was HOW BAD THE GREEN BODY PAINT LOOKED!!! Her body and face looked badly blotched and streaked like the make-up artists just literally splashed the shit on with a paint roller. And Chynna doesn’t show her green tits or ass. She has the same mechanism in her costume that allows the crotch to open so she can have vaginal sex. My assumption is that the body paint started to smear and streak so badly that the decision was made to keep her top on. In fact, during close-ups of the hardcore penetration…you actually SEE that some of the green paint has rubbed off her pussy and onto the bottom of her costume…YUCH!! (Use your own imagination to guess what THIS looks like!!!)

    Ironically, on the 2nd dvd of this two-disk set…in the ‘Behind the Scenes’ section…you actually get to see the make-up artists applying the green body paint to Chynna as they interview her. The make-up actually looked GREAT here…very uniform and believeable (and you get to see green titties!) But in the actual movie…the make-up looks HORRIBLE (streaking do to sweating from being under hot movie lights???). This small segment in the Behind the Scenes was the only thing worth watching. Most Behind the Scenes stuff will have cool stuff like Bloopers, Cast Auditions and Interviews…special effects stuff…etc. But this 2nd disk was really lame…filled mostly with ads, previews, a non-sex version of the film (who the hell wants to watch THAT??!)…and a lame Bonus Sex Scene with another actor as Thor???? with Ms. Marvel???

    All in all….Alex Braun REALLY DROPPED THE BALL with The Avengers!!! Maybe it would have been better if they had taken more care and time putting this together instead of just throwing some bullshit together quickly to rip-off fans and capitalize on the real movie. Or maybe it would have been better if this was done by that other porn spoof master Will Ryder. Unless you’re really a fan like I am, and have $40 bucks to blow…just rent this movie…or stream it on your computer…or wait for it to go on sale in the ‘bargain section’. Or if you have a friend who’s a bigger sucker than I am…talk him into buying the dvd…THEN JUST BORROW IT FROM HIM!!
    This movie was semi-bad/semi okay. And just from the name recognition and the success of the real Avengers movie, this porn spoof is almost guaranteed to make money and justify a sequel.
    But unlike me spending cash on the sure to come real ‘Avengers 2’ movie coming in a few years…I WILLNOT be buying the porn spoof/parody of the next x-rated ‘Avengers 2’!

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