Wow.

I came into (heh) “Avengers XXX A Porn Parody” expecting to find the ridiculous level of storytelling shoe-horned between scenes of hardcore porn that I had last witnessed in Axel Braun’s masterful, Spider-Man XXX, and what I got was… really just the hardcore porn part. As bad as the “story” was in Spider-Man XXX, at least it still kind of had a three act structure; it kind of had a plot. Yet in a bold step towards deconstructionism (?), Avengers XXX eschews the notion of plot almost entirely. The film starts out acting as if there is going to be a plot, yet what we’re ultimately left with is a confused mess of incoherent elements contradicting one another and only providing a half-assed two act structure. The film slowly peters out after the opening scenes and it seems as if the writer/director forgot he was supposed to be delivering some geeky adult fun. People randomly namedrop other Marvel characters and deliver their semi-geeky lines like pron robots in a hasty attempt to get to the sex. There’s barely any dialog referencing the comics and they don’t even provide the actors with any ridiculous puns that would be chuckle inducing to comic nerds.

Sure, it is a porno, so why in the hell am I critiquing the story so much? Well, I figure if you’re going to go this far – that is, if you’re going to get some pretty cool costumes and fill your movie with “obscure” heroes that only comic fans will recognize, then you should at least attempt to put them in a fun, tongue in cheek world where you can deliver on the promise of a ‘parody’. The only laughs came from seeing how awfully the actors delivered their lines, and from thinking about how Axel Braun probably takes himself way too seriously and considers himself as some sort of auteur… the Christopher Nolan of the porn world

Anyway – let’s get to it huh? I know you just want a blow by blow account of the action relayed to you in X-rated screen caps, so let’s do it!

NSFW madness after the jump!

Our opening shot already presents us with a disorientating inconsistency (I’ll explain in a minute); Bruce Banner wakes up in the desert, shaking off his Hulk hangover.

A few news clips bring us up to date: The Hulk fought the Abomination in the middle of Las Vegas, shit got smashed, etc.

Think about this for a minute though: these newscasters, who literally just “read the news”, and are in no way engaging in pornographic activities, are still in a porno. Did they have to audition? Think of the level of acting ability you must have to appear in a porno without actually fucking. Yep. These people have this on their resumes…

Forget about all that though, because now we get to meet our Avengers

Hawkeye, Ms. Marvel, Scarlet Witch and Spider-Woman (but we never really get to see her costume, wtf Axel Braun?). Here’s an interesting point to note: nothing happens here even though people are talking; there is no discernible plot. Just as Nick Fury starts to hint at a story and says “Problem #1: The Hulk…” Iron Man shows up and acts smarmy – wait, what about something something Hulk… it’s not really clear. So, he fought Abomination in Las Vegas and now… what exactly? Who knows, because no one ever actually says anything about it, they just mention it happened. Before things gets any clearer though, the Avengers have disassembled and we get to watch Hawkeye fuck Black Widow.

Sex Scene #1

Black Widow Vs. Hawkeye

Brooklyn Lee reprises her role from Spider-Man XXX as Black Widow and it seems like she has taken acting lessons. In Spider-Man, a film full of atrocious acting, she was clearly the worst of the worst – here though, she’s passable – by porn standards, that is (which means she’s still horrible).

I love the segue lines in porn that are used to initiate the sex; this is the brilliant exchange we’re treated to here:

HAWKEYE: Did you come to say goodbye?

BLACK WIDOW: No, I came to say hello.

With that bit of poetry still floating in the air between them, Black Widow starts noisily slurping Hawkeye’s shaft, making him quiver. This goes on for a long time. Why do all porn films do this? Why?!?!?!? I swear I’ve had sex before that didn’t start off with a marathon fellatio session… where is the neo-realist porn? There’s your next parody project right there, Axel Braun: Bicycle Thieves XXX – A Porn Parody!

Anyway – they fuck – and it takes for fucking ever. I know, I know: this is a porn film you idiot! – yet for some reason I still think it’s boring and drawn out. I mean, sure, it can illicit a few straight arrows, but over all, the comic nerd in me is just waiting for it to end so I can see more lame superhero scenes. How pathetic is that?

Long story short, Hawkeye shoots a bulls eye right into black widow’s web and jeebus was it a tedious affair. The whole thing is nearly twenty minutes long – I can’t think of the last time I watched a porn for more than ten! Oh wait, yes I can; it was Spider-Man XXX… what the fuck am I doing with my life?

We cut to shitty CG Iron Man flying through the desert and coming upon Hulk… who is just sitting there, totally chilling out, in deep introspection, and perfectly at peace for all intents and purposes.

So what does Stark do? He shoots him. Asshole. But wait – here’s that inconsistency I spoke of from the opening scene: We opened on a naked Bruce Banner, waking up in the desert, but now he’s the Hulk again… why exactly? He’s not enraged, he’s not angry; dude is literally sitting down and doing nothing but minding his own and chillaxing on a rock. So what the fuck is he all Hulked up for? I mean, I’m no Hulk expert, but I’m pretty sure Bruce Banner is only the Hulk when he’s pissed off.

Either way, nothing of substance is said and Hulk awkwardly runs towards the camera. We now get to see Iron Man crashing into the ground while accompanied by a bunch of “breaking glass” sound effects – what exactly is made of glass on his suit besides the lenses? Well, perhaps the sand was incredibly hot and had turned to glass?

A fat hillbilly pulls up in a truck, looks at the downed Stark and is asked to call S.H.I.E.L.D. – yeah, Tony, I’m sure this fat hick knows how to get a hold of the super secret spy agency… why not give them a call yourself with that fancy suit of yours?

Anyway, we find ourselves back at the Avengers’ “shitty old building down by the wharf” (according to Hawkeye) and Nick Fury decides to fuck a random girl with down’s syndrome.

Sex Scene #2

Nick Fury Vs. Mongoloid S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent

Damn, Nicky F… you nasty. Suddenly, more noisy cock slurping commences and Fury tells the retarded girl not to bite his dick, then they go at it for what seems like millennia. I went and made coffee while this was playing, came back and it was still going. Fuck. This is starting to make me not like porn.

We finish with Fury finishing all over Corky’s face and I wonder if this is also some unspoken rule of modern porn (along with starting off with fellatio):

Are all porn actresses now required to take an open mouthed facial for the money shot?

Moving right along, we now find ourselves in a sapphic setup of scandalous sensibilities:

Sex Scene #3

Ms. Marvel Vs. The Scarlet Witch

Axel Braun has successfully done what editors and writers have tried to do for so long in comics; create a believable same-sex couple! Everything I’ve said about this film was wrong; behind the seemingly slipshod production and moronic, pornographic mentality, lays a true artist. Axel Braun has, with great care and delicate artistry, given us a courageous and deeply textured meditation on the preconceived sexuality biases which exist in, and in fact permeate, the medium.

I’m just kidding; this scene sucks just as much as the others. But wait, there’s a twist! Instead of a woman giving a man head for the first ten minutes of the scene, it’s a girl giving another girl head!

Mind = blown, right? Whatever, I’m not going to complain about two foxy ladies going at it in HD. I will give this scene points for being, so far, the best ‘comic booky’ segue scene yet; they actually explain Scarlet Witch’s power as altering probabilities… so, there’s that.

And this too, I guess:

Suddenly, another wild sex scene appears!

Sex Scene #4

Thor Vs. She-Hulk

Thor is being all emo and She-Hulk decides to hate fuck him. This is… interesting; seeing a woman painted green all over, except for that bit that’s always pink, is kind of strange.

Otherwise this is a really boring sex scene, even judged against the already dismal standards this film has set for us up to this point. They kind of quietly groan and we listen to the bed squeak until Thor unleashes the thunder and puts the hammer down on She-Hulks’ chin.

Now we get to meet a surprise guest – Spider-Man (XXX)!

This is a great scene because the director decided to try and edit Tony Stark into the scene even though he was obviously not in the same room with everyone else.

It is also great because Thor suddenly storms in while yelling “Hold”… it’s awkward.

Then Nick Fury welcomes him to the team – wait – did I miss something here, like the actual parts where they EVER MENTION A FUCKING THING ABOUT FORMING A TEAM?

Why did Thor randomly show up and how come no one has said anything that is even remotely related to establishing a plot within the past hour? Fuck it.

Sex Scene #5

Spider-Man Vs. Ms. Marvel

There’s no real segue for this scene, Ms. Marvel just kind of starts sucking Spider-Man’s cock and I really feel like the director has forgotten he was supposed to be making a ‘parody’ (of course, obviously called such for legal reasons, but still!)…

In a tender moment of post-coital bliss Spider-Man laments that he will not be going after the Hulk – so wait, is that it? That’s the whole story? The Hulk is out there, “someone” needs to go after him?

That’s. It.

?

That’s like someone telling you the first sentence of a story over and over again – it’s not a story, it’s a vague idea for a story.

But hold on – a twist! Suddenly we learn that S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending Spider-Man and some others, to the Arctic Circle. What’s in the Arctic Circle you (and Spider-Man) ask? Well, besides a knowing smirk from Nick Fury we’re treated to a scene showing a half-frozen Cap as our answer.

Cut to credits.

Fuck this movie. Really, I have no idea who it was made for. There isn’t enough geeky comic fan service or comic references to please the comics fans and porn aficionados will not find enough good porn here to keep them excited.

Every sex scene was the same plain vanilla by-the-books crap that reminds me how grateful I am that the internet was invented. Believe it or not, when I was kid all the porn that you could find on worn out VHS was shit like this. Crap tons of boring sex and a “story”. The internet let’s us cut to the quick and get porn tailored to our tastes, instantly, without all the filler. I mean, I’m no expert, and I have watched a lot of fucking crazy porn, so perhaps I’m too desensitized and that’s the reason I find this stuff quaint and boring… perhaps normal folks will find the porn in here very worth their time. I’m just not convinced that there is enough good content here for either type of viewer.

Perhaps I’m the demographic Axel Braun is going after; people dumb enough to watch it out of curiosity, just to see what it’s like so they can make fun of it…

Whatever the case, I’m sure this will make Axel Braun a metric fuck-ton of cash… so good for him I guess? Hire me as a writer next time, Axel…  I’ll do it for half of whatever you paid the guy on this one and I’ll at least write it so something happens. Hell, I’ll even make it funny – add some cheesy puns – SOMETHING.

The real kicker is that is was written by two people! Two guys together couldn’t write anything more than “The Hulk is in the desert. People mention this.”

Hey, it’s not all bad though; the costumes are pretty cool and… and… the cum looks very white? I don’t know… I’m reaching here, because really, the only thing that is even remotely good about this film is the costumes. To be honest though, you could get all of that just by looking at the box art.

Final Score:

One Semi-erect Penis out of Five